oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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