first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
