If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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