I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
