you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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