i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize