I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
