Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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