I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
