I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
