Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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