never play flip cup with pint glasses
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
