hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
