My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
