i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you win again, gameday.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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