how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
