I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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