hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
