Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize