All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
