Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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