oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
