Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
