Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
