when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
