I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
