Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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