Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
