hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
