my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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