Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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