you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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