you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
