Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
