that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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