he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
