I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Are we still banned from the library?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
