my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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