I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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