Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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