Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
