I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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