Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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