His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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