I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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