If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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