I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
