we're chasing vodka with high fives
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
