Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
