i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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