so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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