I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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