so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize