i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
