I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
