we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
A+ Viking dick
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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