last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize