The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
