tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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