my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
