I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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