dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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