GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
