a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
