I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize