I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
