That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize