He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
