I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
