I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
