She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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