i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
