I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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