Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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