I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
