if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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