you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
